Shallow end

I am a classical singer. I have been practising Indian musical tradition for many years now.

This beautiful lake at a short distance from my home had been a witness to my morning raga.

Today while practising my ‘Raag Bhairav’, I could not feel peace within.

I took a deep breath and tried to reflect, yet the focus was hard to achieve.

With an empty mind, I started staring on the part of a lake where a thick wooden stem had stopped the flow of water.

I had been witnessing how the water collected helplessly around it. The stem with a stubborn sense of possession refused to give way to the flow.

The water very slowly changed its colour, became greenish in texture, it soon started smelling foul, inviting all mosquitos and flies.

The water lost its spirit, direction and true colour.

In a persistent fight, the water somehow found its way through a constricted alternate track, to somehow flow to the river and then the sea. From where did water get its sense of direction, I wondered.

Watching this sight reminded me of my relationship.

I am a self-obsessed man, bad listener, full of criticism and selfish ways.

I have inherited self-absorbing qualities, a tradition of fake image and an ego of a proud man.

My living partner was overly giving, I had made her feel responsible for everything wrong in our lives.

She was very cautious, a bit shook, confused and emotionally drained.

She had become coward and avoided any conflict. She feared my rejection and easily got exploited.

She had a very low self-esteem, she took things personally yet stayed quiet, almost as if she was bleeding internally.

All along I felt she loved me for she never left my side. I now realise it must had been hard.

I felt she will always stay by my side, then she left silently.

I assumed she must be heartbroken, shaken, lost and crushed without me.

Yet there she was, with another man, not long afterwards, laughing, enjoying and having content written all over her.

She looked brave, strong, independent and well looked after.

For the first time she had evolved like a peaceful raag; while I stood there like an arrogant stem, waving anxiously to the waters crossing by.

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